Dear Women I Like

Dear Women I Like,

If you say that you are interested, it's customary in western culture to call me back so that I can take you on a date.

That is all,

Ike

The Best Complaint Letter I Have Ever Written

Dear Santa,

You want to know what I want for Christmas?  To be able to log into my online credit card account without having to call Customer Service EVERY SINGLE MONTH.  Because seriously, it blows.

Thanks Santa,

Isaac

The Dating Game: Girls

My usual vent is usually in relation to the opposite gender.  So here is my vent about the things girls do in dating that drives me crazy.

1.  Relax

If I were to make an assumption, I would say that George Foreman is a big fan of grilled chicken.  I mean if not why would he go through all that trouble of making and selling that grill?  If I were to make another (and more topical) assumption I would say that girls think about relationships more than guys.  When it comes to dating, relax.  Everything is fine.  Quit analyzing us when we ask you for your phone number.  Quit trying to figure out if we could get married after our first date.  If you have a suspicion that something is wrong, it's probably not.  Guys as a rule try to avoid problems.  At least talk to us about it before you conclude anything.  Or bring us some grilled chicken.  Mmmm...grilled chicken.  Fixes everything.

2.  Never Reveal Your Cards

If I had a dime for every time a girl told me that she was interested in me and someone else simultaneously, I would have $.30.  But if I had a dime for every time a girl told that to a guy I'm sure that I would not be spending my time writing this blog.  So be grateful people don't give me dimes for such things.  If you aren't grateful, why are you still here?  Anyway.  What's the point of telling me that?  I'm not going to fight for you.  I've only had 1-3 dates max with you.  There are lots of more (normal) fish in the sea.  Keep it to yourself and when I ask you on a date and you tell me that you have started dating someone else seriously, I will take my bows and find someone else.  Seriously.  Telling me that isn't doing anybody any favors.

3.  Blood In the Water

If you want a shark to circle you put a bucket of chum in the water.  Some girls seriously think that a smile and "Hi" indicates interest.  It does not.  And then you tell your girlfriends that we are thick for not picking up the signals.  Don't be dumb.  Unless if that's all you want to do is to complain about guys with your girlfriends, then by all means, I will continue to not ask you out.  You're welcome.

4.  Don't Be a Prude

Saying this, I don't want to fornicate with you.  But, I would at some point in the relationship like to take it to a higher level of seriousness.  That's my formal way of saying that I like to make out.  I'm a guy.  Duh.  But even more than making out, cuddling.  Confession: I'm a cuddle whore.  Sue me.  I'm dang good at it too.  I also hear that a lot of other guys also like cuddling just a little more than making out, not by much, but a little bit.  Anyway, I digress.  If you want to make out with someone, as many girls with their VLs have told me they would like, you have to first begin by kissing someone.  Weird, I know.  Rarely does the progression of the relationship go from "Hi" to snogging.  It requires (appropriate) levels of playful touching, cuddling then kissing.  Not necessarily in that order, but as things progress and when the time's right, let it happen.  Forget this, "3 dates are requisite before a formal proposal would be considered for a peck on the cheek." Shut it.  Crazy girls...

5.  Do Something With Yourself

I'm sure it's nice getting asked out.  But waiting around for it to happen is not going to increase it's occurrence.  The biggest turn off for me (and some but not all other guys) is when I have an indication that girls are just "waiting around for marriage" as is so typical in Utah.  If you want to get asked out do something about it.  Read books, work out, go back to school, get a job, travel, go on a mission, learn a language, attend cooking classes (there's the big one), etc...doing these things will not only increase your appeal but also increase your exposure to new prospects.  Girls, the fact that you've known all along is true.  Guys are stupid.  Don't wait around for us.  

6.  Burn the List

Girls, I think, are trained from birth to make lists.  It's helpful in a lot of cases.  To do lists, grocery, etc.  Don't they give a notepad to girls at birth?  Rumor I heard somewhere.  Here's a piece of advice.  When it comes to guys pick 3 and throw the rest away.  What do I mean?  "He has to work out.  He has to have a 6 figure paying job.  He has to want 3 kids.  He has to like to go shopping.  He has to know another language.  He has to have lived overseas.  He has...he has...he has...(these I have heard come out of girls mouths by the way...)"  Why aren't you married?  Because you think you live in a Disney film.  There's only 24 hours in a day and only so much we can do to be Prince Charming.  Pick the top 3 most important and figure out if you can learn to live with the rest of what he brings to the table.

7.  Slow Down

I like my guy friends.  I like to hang out with them.  Simultaneously, I like you too.  There is a possible balance.  Logically, as time continues, my time will slowly shift (at a rate I feel comfortable with), from them to you.  Demanding my time will only scare me (and other guys) away.  It really is that simple.

8.  Give Us a Chance

Unless if the guy pulls up to you in a white windowless van, he probably is at least a nice guy.  If he gets up the guts to ask you out, it's only courteous to say yes.  Who knows maybe he will have an amazing personality that will click with yours?  Confession:  I am on Pinterest. (Look it up.)  I know.  I am like guy #5 to join Pinterest of 2 million girls.  Anyway.  For as many feel-good pins as I see about prejudice and inner beauty, there should be a lot more girls saying yes to guys in spite of how they look.  Practice what you pin.  And don't date guys who drive white windowless vans.

9.  What a Girl Means to Us

I recently heard of a girl complaining about how guys a.) don't ask her out (ironically I did and she totally was a flake to me and blew me off) and b.)  that on the first date a guy doesn't show enough concern for a girl by planning inexpensive dates.  Let's get real here, we aren't made of money.  Let's get even more real here.  The amount of money we spend on you does not directly correlate to the amount we care about you.  What does it sound like to any guy that you complain about such things?  You are a gold digger.  Unless if we are 70 and made of money, we usually will run away from such women.

10.  The Friend Zone

Recently a video came out on YouTube made by a friend of mine asking the question if girls and guys can be friends.  The results of the video?  A resounding "NO" and this writer agrees.  Unless if the guy is gay and has no interest in women at all on a romantic level, any girl is a potential.  Why else do girls love gay guys as best friends?  There is no pressure of a romantic relationship.  Girls, it is safe to assume that your guy friends have an interest in you on a deeper level.  If you are asked out and you shut him down saying that you don't want to, "Ruin your friendship."  You may have done just that.  Sorry.  If the guy moves on to a new set of friends.  Don't be surprised.  But while you go off and complain about how your best friend is so shallow, ask yourself the question, "Isn't my husband supposed to be my best friend?"  So why not try it out and see if it works?  You are probably going to lose the friendship one way or another, the only way to keep it?  Marriage.

So there you have it.  The gripes and complaints I have about dating and the opposite gender.  Girls, I hope this is helpful.  If not, feel free to complain in the comment section below.

Hey Delta...

So, I had this dream.  It was awesome.  I was on a plane flying from BWI to Salt Lake and as a self diagnosed narcoleptic, naturally I fell asleep.

So I dreamed that I fell asleep and then I woke up and the plane was doing sweet nose dives and barrel rolls.   Across Iowa it was skimming the tops of corn before it would pull up again.  I dare say that it is the most exciting that Iowa has ever been!  It was at this moment that I thought, "Dang, this is the coolest airplane ride I've ever been on!" When the little boy next to me woke me up.  Then I realized that I was on a normal plane and I had missed the beverage cart...I was pissed.  I wasn't really thirsty, so I guess mostly that Delta had been so inconsiderate to board me on a normal plane as opposed to one of their acrobatic models.  Rude.

So, just as I was writing this blog, the day after American Airlines declared bankruptcy, I realized that they have the potential to make the coolest airplane ride ever.  Make them into traveling roller coasters.  Win. Win.  Think about it Delta. Or Southwest.  Or American.  I don't have any biases.  Just a suit fetish that doesn't pay for itself...ahem.